Everybody's Got a Dream

I've been thinking about what mine are lately.

In many ways I am living what I think of as my dream these days.  It's the hiking thing.  I have been walking in the woods and mountains a couple times a week for a few months.  I got to go backpacking once this summer, almost twice, and may be able to go over the winter, too.  I had to give up The Enchantment hikes because of the issue with my foot.  Next year I'll do it, that's a point on the dream list.

I want to do section hikes on the PCT over the next few years.  That's approximately 40 miles at a time...a week, probably.

I want to do more hiking on Rainier and in the Olympics.  I want to go to Wyoming and hike The Tetons and Yellowstone.

I want to hike no matter where we are in the world.

I want to live where I can walk out the door and get to trails.  I want all ultralight gear. :)  I want to be thinner to be both healthy and attractive, as well as relieve my knees, hips, and feet of the extra weight I carry.

I think my dreams here are attainable.  I am working toward them now and all the time.

Attitude is Everything...or maybe I am just that lovable. :)

I spent most all morning at the DOL renewing my driver's license.  You've probably been there, you know it's not an especially friendly place.  And the wait can be forever.  


So I wait...yay for crosswords and crochet, because I forgot the book I'm reading (Three Cups of Tea or A Walk in the Woods...two at a time).  I brought everything I needed to make a day of it, except food.  And I ought to have brought snacks.  :)  

I'm finally called and in the waiting brain daze I manage to forget to tell the woman exactly what I want done with my license.  So we get all the way through...and have to start over.  *sigh*  I'm patient, she's only a little put out.  All that gets done and everything is in order so I go have my photo taken...

And the name isn't correct.  *gah!*

I go back to the woman at Counter 2.  I have to wait for her to finish with her current customer, of course.  I explain what happened, what I want.  I think I am clear.

Still just not quite clear enough.  I think we were having a bit of communication breakdown.  But we go through it all again, and the computer freezes up.  *O.M.G*

I've kept a really great attitude through this process.  The clerk and I chatted through it.  She asked if I liked to read and recommended an author.  I recommended someone to her in a similar genre.  We had a pleasant conversation, just waiting and chatting.  Finally she got an override from the supervisor and away I went with my  correct name, address, and a new photo and expiration date.  *shwew*

I cannot imagine how things might have gone had a I been less than pleasant, occasionally apologetic, patient, and gently insistent.   She, too, kept a good attitude.  Although I think she would start our conversation being a bit defensive...if I had been an asshole, she would have been one right back.  I think most of our negative experiences in this sort of bureaucratic venue can be minimized by our own attitude.  What might have been a stressful and ugly few hours turned into a reasonably good time and an interaction I can be proud of my part in.

Everybody's Got a Dream, Revisited

My dream is changing...growing...

Oh, I still want to do all that hiking, for certain.  And here in Northeastern Washington I am much closer to the trails, although there are not as many urban trails.

I never in my life wanted to own a home until I got to Kettle Falls. Here, I think I found a place that suits me...that feels like home. Mine, not someone else's.

Through the generosity and dream of someone(s) who love me, possibility becomes an amazing reality.  The dream grows and mutates and now I am part owner in this beautiful home on Lake Roosevelt.  Much, much more home than I ever imagined.

A partnership is formed...business, and so much more.   A plan is set in motion.  B&B, vacation rental, wedding and event venue...all in this beautiful house.

My personal (and very long term) goal is to ultimately own the house by myself.  Of course, I've yet to make the first payment...but still.

Snowy Saturday Morning

I'm all weepy this morning.  No apparent reason.

I read this on my facebook feed (thanks Diane). While I'm watching the snow fall gently on the lake (melancholy backdrop), I'm wondering who, if anyone, knows me like those questions allow. Is there someone, somewhere-hopefully nearby, that I would like to know me like that, and I, them?

I'd love to go through the questions from the study with someone I love, and maybe with someone I might like to go there with.  Ya know?

But in the meantime, I'll watch the snow and be all weepy and shit.

(Weeping Willow on a Snow Day photo by blogger Amishalom at Gaversichtva)

Battling Depression

As always, I am fighting depression.  It makes me sensitive.  It makes me worry and ruminate.  I am sick to death of taking more medication.  I don't want to increase the dose of anti-depressant.  So I am building a strategy to mitigate the winter dark, the stress of life changes, the audacity of habits of mind, and the cruelty of brain chemistry.

• I am meditating daily.  And reading about how meditating has worked for others as motivation to keep at it.
• I am walking or exercising every day.  There are lots of new places to explore near my new home. That, and walking up and down the steps as I unpack from the move is helpful.  
• I am practicing Gratitude.  Each evening writing down two things that I am grateful for and making a point of finding something in another person that I am grateful for, and telling them

Not sure if my strategy is working, or if it's simply that I have a strategy, or if something else has shifted, but I do feel somewhat better right now.  

Some Thoughts on Polyamory

I want to believe that polyamory invites honesty, as acknowledging upfront in a relationship that it's reasonable to have other attractions and even other relationships creates a place where it is safe to be honest. (My idealism, and has been proven not necessarily true, but I persist in believing it is so, and really my top reason for choosing polyamory.)

Polyamory provides opportunity to develop any relationship to it's fullest potential. Whether any given relationship grows to deep and intimate friendship, lover-hood, chosen family, or whatever other type of relationship I allow into my life, it's ok, encouraged even.

And, related to the second reason, no one person is required to be another's all in all and everything. Discovering friends and lovers who share commonalities with me allows that other's who do not have those same interests the freedom and time to pursue their own without any guilt or resentment from either person.

Shared work. It has been my experience throughout life, even not within polyamory, that working together is a very bonding and intimate activity. In the kitchen, in the garden, camping, anywhere the workload can be shared, having many hands helps to create one heart. This is one of my favorite things about polyamory.

I have a deep belief that love comes wherever it may, regardless of chromosomes and genitals. I have often given myself the label BISEXUAL but am moving away from that to this idea that it's not about loving and having sex with a gender, but about the almost spiritual connection that can surprise me in any form at any time. Polyamory allows me to be open to receive that connection.

The people I call my friends within the poly community are supportive of me. And we all can use any number of supportive people in our lives. They accept who I am, with all my issues and idiot-syncrasies. They are truly there for me in all the moments of my life, whether for celebration or for grieving or for help holding me up from crashing.

Polyamory is, to me, a growing place. Everyone is different and brings their own gifts into a poly relationship. We get to celebrate those gifts and create a safe place to work on others in development. There is plenty of room to grow, even if we sometimes need someone to hold our hand through it.

"Heart partnering as a poly model is based on the realization that if a partner has a problem, it's your problem, too, and if you have a problem, it also belongs to your partners, too. Without a deep commitment to heart partnering, you deny yourself and your partners the richness of telepathic contact and the strong levels of shared psychic energy that characterize the most healthy poly families. Without a deep commitment to heart partnering, the elephant in the living room will never be dealt with and will never go away."

While it's not a priority in my poly life, or any life I might have, sex is certainly part of the perks of polyamory. All the various sexual persona I may wish to play with, a ton of nurturing and loving sex from more than one partner with the uniqueness of their own persona and technique. Fun!

Please add your own list in comments. I'd be very interested in reading them. If you're not poly, feel free to add a list of reasons why the idea doesn't work for you, or why you choose another form of loving relationship in your life.

Notes from & Agreements with The Universe